I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
