i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
