when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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