at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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