I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
