You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
