Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
