Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
