Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
