why didn't you poke me back
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
