Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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