I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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