Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
