I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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