I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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