dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
