mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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