My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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