I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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