Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There's always time for handjobs
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
