totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Randomize
