I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
