oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
is wine microwaveable?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
