I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
