It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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