are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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