How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You're earring is so big in my mouth
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
