i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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