Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
the condom got lost in my hair
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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