12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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