Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
