I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
