Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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