Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
