I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
