i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
