i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
