I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
