You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
