Can i not drive my cunt home
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
