Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
