Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
