dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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