Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
