I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Too much gin, very little bucket
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
