My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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