how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
