when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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