If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Randomize
