i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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